Kathy, it’s time to weigh in.  I honestly can’t believe I am sharing this very private personal battle publicly on my blog.  However, I agreed to be as transparent as possible so here it goes.  It’s 10am and I trudge toward the bathroom like it’s the temple of doom.  The cold floor turns my feet into frozen slabs of swollen, calloused skin and the thought of taking off my warm Army t-shirt and flannel bottoms is enough to send me running for the covers.

A few things to note: My feet are so dry and swollen because I can’t reach them due to my last surgery and my husband’s night and day attention as Florence Nightingale is few and far between.  Can’t blame him, it’s been since October 2015 when I had my first hip replaced and barely two months since the second.  Getting up at 10am may also raise an eyebrow.  I am working on my bedtime which is at 10pm and rising with the sun.  So far I’m not doing well with those forty winks, nevertheless I am dedicated to getting my body time-clock back to a healthy sleep routine.  Practice what you preach Kathy! Running…now thats an understatement!  I just started PT and still on a cane so even if the house was on fire I know I wouldn’t be able to even jog to the nearest exit!

Enough stalling, today is weigh-in day. I don’t like to weigh myself for many reasons.  I am a recovered bulimic, which means I no longer have the insatiable overeating emotional disorder that distorts my body image and the obsessive desire to lose weight.  I also don’t like weighing myself or advising my clients to weigh themselves on a daily basis because the body’s composition can fluctuate dramatically. The human body is made up of many components and they all play a role in generating the number under your feet.  Bones, muscle, fat, blood, water, tendons, ligaments and don’t forget poop. These parts can change on a yearly, monthly, weekly, daily and even hourly basis.  If you are obsessed about a particular number this yo-yoing can make you looney.  Trust me I’ve been there.  Hormones are also changing

You drag yourself onto the scale and wait, like a deer gawking at a hunter’s rifle.  This digital scale that I am now on is deciding slowly what numbers to choose.  I know roughly what it is going to be since I’ve been in and out of my docs office and hospital where the scale has been ever present.  The number flashes onto the screen. Not a number but the number. That same…damn…scowling…mocking…number.  I thought for sure that my cortisol weight gain due to the stress of going under would have started to come off. Or maybe now since I am more active then I’ve been in the last two years the number would  budge. I also thought since I’ve been eating unbelievably clean for the last month the number would decline, but no chance! Why? Why the hell am I not losing weight?  You’re doing everything right.. You’re following all the rules!  OMG really!  I can’t possibly weigh this much.  My new hips! The stress! This is what I weighed when I was pregnant!

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I always used to think that if I was skinnier, I’d be happier—not just with my body but with my life in general. Many of us believe that weight loss or reaching that desired number on the scale is the answer to our problems and pitfalls. We think that when we lose weight we’ll not just feel more confident, but we’ll find a partner, look amazing in the clothes that we are saving for when we can fit into them,  improve our marriages, be more successful, have more friends, or just feel happier in general. For a lot of people weight loss—or, rather, being skinny—is the golden ticket.

I can tell you from personal experience the number doesn’t matter.  I know I sound frustrated with what I am seeing under my feet and I am, but I can’t obsess and you shouldn’t either.  It makes you crazy and you lose precious “life” time.  We must learn to make dedicated smart choices in how we eat and how we move all the time.  Focus on the inside health of your cells and organs as they will carry you through life.

I have been in the dark days of an eating disorder where I risked my life to be at a certain weight. It was not worth it.  I also know that you must be accountable to how and why your weight got to where it is right now.  As much as I would like to say, never get on a scale, I can’t do that.  You have to know where you are, in order to get to where your body it should be.  You can’t expect your weight to change overnight or even in a months time.  (a reminder to me!!!)

I have watched my husband change from an In-n-Out hamburger eater, a non exerciser and negligent in choosing foods packed with nutrition.  His health and body reflected that, overweight and never felt good.  It will be 3 years in May since his new lifestyle came into play.  He has lost 32 pounds, exercises 6 days a week and eats a meal plan that is completely organic and nutrient dense.  The guy is amazing.  Check him out.

So as much as I can’t bare to see 181lbs. ARGH!!!!!!!!  I know that my body is in a slow transition from being sedentary, in tremendous pain, dealing with menopause and stressed out.  I have the tools and the “know-how” to get my body back to the fine tuned engine I can remember.  We can do this together, because if my husband can, you can.  If I can, you can.  So what are you waiting for?  Please don’t say the scale!

You have to move beyond the number and embrace a life you can live everyday by making conscious choices that will have the best side effect ever…ideal body weight that you won’t even have to have a scale to notice.

If you want to talk about this please make a time to call me.  Call me right now

Have the best day.

Kathy